PRESIDENT ROMNEY REACTS TO BARACK OBAMA'S (FUTURE) MEMOIRS (a view from the crystal ball)

 

         (Three years into his first term in office, a weary President Mitt Romney reads from Barack Obama's best selling book, "Dreams for My Children: A Memoir from a Citizen President" in the Oval Office.  Aides to the President come and go, and from time to time the leader of the free world raises up from his reading to speak aloud to no one in particular.  His face is drawn, and his hair is much thinner and grayer than when he campaigned for the office.  He is a tired man, burdened by the weight of his responsibilities.)

         "Elizabeth?  Would you hold my calls, please?" 
         "Certainly, Mr. President."
          Romney sits back in his chair, flips to another chapter in Obama's book, and begins to read.  Moments later there's a knock at the door, and John Boehner steps into the Oval Office with a briefcase in his hand.

          "Good afternoon, Mr. President.  I hope you'll pardon the interruption, but I really need a few minutes of your time."

          Romney, looking obviously annoyed, put down Obama's book.

         "What is it now, John?" he asks.  Of all the people on Capitol Hill who have access to the President, none are as loathed as Boehner.  The contempt on his face is evident, even to the Speaker of the House, but Boehner was used to being treated like a pain in the ass.
 
          "Well, sir, it's about the Vice President, again."  Boehner seems reluctant to even bring it up, but what can you do when you're dealing with an ambitious man in the executive branch?
          "He's pushing that Medicare voucher thing again, and Cantor's on board with some of the other Tea Party types.  I'm afraid they've got the numbers to actually bring this thing to the floor for a vote.  What would you like for me to do?"

           Romney's mood darkened, and he began to rub his temples as he spoke.

           "Listen, John.  Paul's plan was very clear from the start.  Medicare has to be privatized, and the boys on Wall Street aren't going to put up with any more delays in the House.  Get it done.  It's that simple."

           Boehner's face turned a slightly darker shade of orange as he looked nervously toward his shoes.  Forgot to get them shined last night, and he was hoping the President wouldn't notice.  Romney seemed to have a thing about unshined shoes, much like President Bush's obsession with suits and ties in the White House.  These rich pricks have the strangest habits.

           "Uh, Mr. President, with all due respect...  You know the American people don't support this voucher thing.  I'm getting a thousand calls a day bitching about this deal, and there are calls coming in from some of the moderates saying they're being swamped with complaints from home.  I think it would help if you spoke to Vice President Ryan and asked him to lay off on this Medicare bill for the time being.  I'd prefer to move it on the calendar-"

             "John..." Romney interrupted.  He'd grown weary of Boehner's weak-kneed attitude about this bill, and decided to put an end to the discussion once and for all.  "You tell them I said to stop bitching and pass the damn bill.  McConnell's already starting to hit the cable shows saying it might be time for true conservatives to put pressure on this White House, and I'll be damned if I'm going to have that turtle faced jerk back-stabbing me on Meet the Press every Sunday.  You tell 'em I said it's time to move this bill to the floor.  There are millions and millions of dollars to be made from this deal, and God knows the economy could use a jump start.  I can't believe the mess Obama left us to clean up!  Get it done!"

              Boehner nodded silently.  You can't talk to Romney when he's like this.  He'll make an appointment for tomorrow when the Big Guy's in a better mood.  Looks like he's reading that Obama memoir again.  Jesus Christ, the whole damn town is talking about this book.

              "Um... sir?  I'll do what I can.  By the way, have you got to the part about the first debate, yet?" Boehner asked, changing the subject.

              Romney looked down at the Obama book, and nodded his head.  That was the very chapter he had been trying to read when Boehner interrupted him.

              "Yeah.  That asshole is trying to say his heart wasn't in it from the start, and that he should have announced back in the spring of 2012 that he wouldn't seek a second term.  He says that would have ensured Hillary's presidency.  Kind of wishful thinking on his part, isn't it?"
              Boehner smiled, "Yes sir, it certainly is!  I'll take your message to the committee, sir. Thanks for your time."

              With Boehner out of his hair, Romney went back to the book.

              "...I would have preferred to have stepped down after one successful term, citing family concerns and a reluctance to battle Republican intransigence, rather than run for reelection.  But the pressure was great from the high roller donors, and I didn't make my concerns known in time to allow for a Democratic primary. 
               "The debate fiasco could have been predicted.  I simply didn't have the fire in the belly necessary to challenge Romney's mischaracterizations of the Affordable Care Act, or to call him on his various prevarications regarding his own stated positions from the primaries.  Looking back, it was a fatal flaw, but one of omission on my part.  Had I to do it over again, I probably would have been more aggressive in confronting Romney.  But then, that might have ensured my reelection, a result that I was clearly not interested in pursuing at that point in my presidency.
              "I simply wanted to be free from the non-stop pressures of the job, and to be able to spend time with my girls and Michelle.  The death threats that were a daily part of our lives had begun to take a toll, and looking back on it now I realize we were slowly losing our personal freedom to the office of the presidency.
              "Losing the election was a relief of the highest order, despite the damage it eventually caused for the country."

              At that moment a buzzer on the President's desk rang, followed by the voice of his secretary.

             "Mr. President, I apologize for the interruption, but Netanyahu is on line three and says it's urgent."

             Romney sighed deeply as he put down Obama's memoir.  Just what I need, he thought.  Another 'the-sky-is-falling' panic attack from Bibi.  Probably picked up that nuke plant report Langley sent over yesterday.  I told him to relax about Tehran. 

             "Yes, Bibi, what can I do for you?"

              Romney slowly closed the book on his desk and began to take notes, furiously trying to keep up with Netanyahu's litany of requests. 
 
              It was going to be a long day.